By Eddie Edwards
Contributing Editor, Sham Illustrated

It’s that time of year once again! As the players dust off their clubs in preparation for the Nasters Tournament, orthopedic surgeons and physical therapists look forward to the predictable increase in business.

Hernias, slipped discs, torn rotator cuffs; these are the injuries of the Nasters Tournament. Pump a little adrenaline into a bunch of over-the-hill hackers after a six-month layoff and somebody’s bound to wind up in the emergency room.

I’m actually concerned about injuries this year. From what I’ve seen in practice rounds, the players are in worse shape at this point in the season than I can remember. It’s amazing how many of them have managed to gain more weight and lose more hair.

What concerns me most is the advent of modern technology. Placed in the wrong hands, today’s high-powered golf weapons can wreak havoc on lesser skilled, poorly conditioned athletes. Add a launch monitor, a rangefinder, and the conviction that distance solves everything, and you have the makings of a long afternoon.

Of course, doctors aren’t the only ones who stand to benefit from the Nasters. Another group that always manages to do well here is the alcohol vendors. It is a little-known fact that more hard liquor is sold at Westwood on the day of the Nasters than on any other day of the year. After about three holes, players lose interest in searching for lost golf balls and begin searching in earnest for the beer cart. And when they hack themselves into oblivion at Mayhem Corner, they start leaning harder on the liquor.

Who can blame them? After witnessing the atrocities that have taken place at Mayhem Corner over the years, I would think the GSTPA could at least offer players a blindfold and a cigarette when they step up to the 7th tee.

Journalists look forward to the Nasters because there is always a story. Last year it was Denny Kessler, a 22-handicap qualifier who edged two-time champion Victor Palladino in a dramatic card-off. The shocking victory launched a raucous celebration that lasted well into the night and ended with Kessler laid out under a high-top table in the grillroom, passing gas and yelling “Fore!”

Maybe this year some no-name who barely qualified for the tournament will emerge triumphant and be vilified by the rest of the field as a loathsome sandbagger, unworthy of the admiration normally bestowed on a Nasters champion. This is the kind of story a journalist lives for.

But no one looks forward to the Nasters more than the players themselves. Hope springs eternal at Westwood with the start of a new season and another chance to attain stardom on the GSTPA Tour. All those embarrassing gaffes from the past have been thrown out. Everyone gets to start off with a clean slate. And to a man, the players believe that this is the year they will finally win the big one — assuming the GSTPA can somehow get the handicaps right.

Eddie Edwards has followed the GSTPA Tour for nearly four decades. His work documents the effect of prolonged exposure to golf on participants and observers.